Tears

I love writing about tears because they have become a friend to me, a close companion when I am alone. My heart screams and they are the echoes. My heart breaks and they are the glue that has been unbound. Tears fall against my pillow. They would have rather remained inside but they are pushed out by the pain and hurt inside of me. My pillow, underneath the comfortable cloth covering, is yellow with tear stains. My pillow is new and yet it has seen sleepless nights of a young, naive girl lost in her fears of abandonment. It keeps a record of every time this girl decided to put her trust in anything other than Jesus Christ. Every February 3rd brings tears and most days before that because that day life decided to rip her heart out of her chest, life left her bleeding tears. She does not hate life but instead the very absence of it that now is in her own father's chest. The absence of a heart beating, arms hugging, and lips moving to form words that reminded her of his love. She hated life because of the death that so often accompanied it. Her feet hit the trail. "Escape had to be the only option"and yet she knew the only place it would lead would be home. Heaven is a good thing and yet why did she despise it so much. It was the place he was and she was not. You stand and criticize my emotional nature and yet you do not see the pain in my heart. I gave my heart away a long time ago to a father who will never disappoint me, yet can I still not feel lonely? Can I still not yearn for a father to hold me and sweep me up in his arms? I love you as brothers and sisters in Christ but please let me mourn for my fallen. He is long gone and yet he is always just around the corner. My first thought when hearing "death" is Dad and when I hear "life" is babies yet can I not embrace both as Christ? The tears have dried now but my heart is not healed and will break again at any moment. I am so thankful I have a God who holds my heart, who allows me to hurt myself to see how incredible His love is in my life. Tears are God's way of allowing healing to come after hurt, like rain after a drought, tears are an emotional release that allows us to be vulnerable at His feet.

Revelation 21:4 ESV 

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

A door closed.

It feels like the morning after. You know when something really difficult happens and the only closure you get is a poor night's sleep. So much of who I become I owe to God revealing himself through basketball and I can't believe that it is over. Basketball has taught me:

1. Never give excuses- you can only control your attitude and work ethic on and off the court
2. When you do something you love, smiles, fun, and excitement always follow
3. Never become too consumed with the future, the hard work you put in each moment will propel you to success
4. You can't control other people's work ethic
5. God's peace transcends all obstacles
6. God will be with you wherever you go
7. God's plan is superior to the one you have in mind 

I'll miss the floor burns, the inside jokes with my team, playing so well with my sister, being lifted up after the many times I fell, hitting people, posting up on people, pushing past the mental barrier of the 1st quarter, pushing past the physical barrier of the 4th quarter, and being mentored by one of the most incredible dudes I know :)

 God, I thank you for the incredible memories I have had with this team. You have been with this team since day one and I know we could not have done it without your love and peace in each one of our lives. I'm sorry for swearing on the court, and yelling at Morgan and Alyssa in the final game. You are the author and perfecter of my faith and as I close this door, I pray you will guide me to many more journey's filled with smiles, fun, and excitement. Amen