Common Grounds

Pardon the clique but sitting here, so unsettled about my future, has brought on the urge to blog once again. haha would be weird for someone else to be reading my heart because this is not public or anything :) my schedule is unsettled, and honestly i have nothing else to stress about, so I am holding onto that to keep me on my toes. Father God, Holy Spirit, and Christ Jesus my Savior, please hold this heart of mine and remind me of your perfect peace that surpasses all the unsettled future that waits for me outside this coffee shop. I want to go to Alaska. I want to serve your people and proclaim your name and I was so excited this afternoon! But I talked to mom and she said i should get a job, be with family. I was walking back from class the other day when I was reminded of that time in 7th grade I thought my future was in professional tennis. I had a note written for the next day to lay on my pillow: "Off to chase my dreams". The plan I had in mind was to go to the tennis court in my neighborhood and practice until I couldn't practice anymore. hahahaha oh and the time I was asked to model and thought my future was in modeling. oh how fickle my perception of the future is :) so Lord with a smile on my face, as I laugh to myself, I submit to your will. Your will is soverign and you know what my summer is going to look like. Holy Spirit, I pray for enough direction to be obedient and do the will of the Father, but not enough that I feel like I know the path ahead. This life has been incredbile because of the surpises you have set before me. I know there is so much ahead and it scares me because I am in no way prepared for what is before me.

Belong

"Curse the day that I began to hope there'd be a place where I belong."- Chris Rice
I think this will be good for me, allowing myself to process the day through spending time with the Holy Spirit and my laptop. Thank you, Spirit, for putting on my heart a need to belong. That word stuck to my thoughts all day today and I can see why. I have put so much energy into trying to find the right club or group to belong in. S3, Club Volleyball, Crew, Tri-Delt, Phi Lamb, Youth Group, Urban Missions, you name it, I tried it. I don't know... I failed a quiz today in Heritage and I felt like a sore thumb around campus. I have no letters to boast, and yet what an incredible opportunity to boast in the One who called me Beloved. Quiet my heart, oh Lord, of this earthly desire to belong here at Baylor, when you created me to belong to You and You alone. Fighting this has brought me up empty and I plead for you to remove this burden or allow it to glorify you in every way possible so that it becomes somewhat bearable, as You, Jesus, take it on my behalf. How I love the Spirit's work in this time, creating thoughts I never knew there. Thank you for today, regardless of how I was feeling, You, Lord, remained. Whether this Chamber thing works out, may whatever I do be for Your glory, Lord. In Christ's perfect and holy name, amen.

Sarah called back. If i meet with her will i lose this conviction that i have stood with in the shower but then fell again talking to my mother. I do overthink things but Lord, when it is this strong conviction you have placed on my heart to root out idolatry, then may this emotional rollercoaster continue as you bring change in my heart. For so long I have allowed so mnay things to take the place of Jesus on the throne of my heart. Only God knows how many times I have broken his heart like Gomer did to Hosea. How often do I look the other way when God is calling me to missions and yet right then and there I make it about myself instead of JESUS. others are important, yet JESUS must before I start loving others. Must what? He must rule over my actions. Like letting tridelt go so a) honestly so I can feel God's peace that has left my heart since walking into the tri-delt bid room b) so I may allow his love and mercy to reign once again in my heart. I feel so clueless right now. How could I have missed God's call for me to take a step back and realize just how far i'd let myself fall. I tried being positive, directing girls towards God, but what about my heart. I was pretending that so long as I offered to pray to strangers I would then be granted peace and happiness.
Why doesn't Devon reply or call me? my hands are dry, my soul is spent, my face is raw from wiping the tears with my sleeve. this is all my fault. Why do i just let myself go like this without fighting to find God in this mess and run towards him? i feel unstable and know i will begin to lose my experience with the God I so love and cherish if I wear that bid day shirt.
Would it really be best to meet with Sarah? I know now without anyone talking to me, that I must listen to the Voice of Truth,
now begins the consequences of my disobedience. I know this is the right thing, i feel at peace and don't feel like i want to go back home or just slip into my bed and never leave.