God of my salvation

Breathe. I forgot to breathe and reflect years ago when the pain was searing. Yet sometimes in life, the moments when we forget to breathe become beautiful opportunities to be rescued with oxygen. Never before have we breathed in with such force, forcefully filling our lungs with as much as we can take because our bodies so desperately needed it for survival. Gasping becomes evidence of life, brutal, painful life, nonetheless, still life. Right now I am trying to imitate this gasping. I can feel myself leaning toward things I know will become idols, things that are good things, gifts that can stir within my soul a deeper joy and delight in Christ. But things that right now are consuming me and stirring within my soul a hope in a certain future I know I cannot claim. Breathe. This time peacefully, still filling my lungs with the same earthly air, yet there is no fear in the breathing because there remains a steadfast assurance in the character of my heavenly Father throughout this. I am embarrassed that I so easily become fixated on guys who promise me a future of happiness because Christ is so much better. Can't you feel that?! no. actually. I can't a lot of the times. He is so "permanent"my heart claims of this new crush. no actually. he is not. What a beautifully mundane gift to write on a Sunday. I love beautifully mundane things that witness to the deep and full intimacy of who Christ is and who the Holy Spirit is and who the Father is! Because in doing so I am able to process these emotions before me and insert my head-knowledge to steer my gaze, my focus upward and outward instead of inward. When I admit sin and shame out loud, to Jesus and to my friends no longer exists this burden of shame. Conviction? absolutely! Praise God for change and transformation! Shame? no longer. See my Father is the God of my salvation because of the blood of Christ shed for me.

Resting Today

"My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord,
    and let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever."
                        Psalm 145:21 What a great final verse. "My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD." After dwelling on the greatness of God, that is David's reaction. That is a source of authority I can trust today. I am struggling with what it means to have authority in the church. I feel like there are so many platforms today where I can speak my minds and assume a role of authority that is not mine to claim. After three economics classes I can now give you an opinion on a particular economic policy. There is little merit to this. However, my fierce pride says otherwise. I feel like this first part of David's final ending phrase should be a prayer upon my lips for now until forever because I claim authority, I claim truth, that is not mine to assert. The ability to be looked upon as correct is a good feeling, especially when it involves someone I want to impress. What if instead of trying to impress everyone, I simply seek to speak the praise of the Lord?! How different would my assertions be, how vastly more humble my disagreements would look like because I no longer have to prove my authority. There is wrath for unrighteousness. Wrath Jesus Christ took on the cross for my sins, bringing His kingdom to the darkness. David says, "My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD". Therefore, let my mouth also speak the praise of the Lord. 

I am a failure.

I have failed. This could mean a bunch of different things and right now if feels like most of them probably apply. It stinks. A few other words come to mind but that is definitely not the point. The reason for existence, the reason for school, the reason for breathing is to glorify God.
Psalm 19:1 "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." is the common verse that comes to mind and man, do I want to sit in that tonight. The HEAVENS declare the glory of God. If I felt like typing forever I could caps lock a different word each time and it still not impact my soul enough. I might need to sleep under some stars tonight because right now, failure does not feel like it glorifies God. I would love to give God the full glory and honor when I get great grades, I succeed at work, or go on a great run and feel just spectacular. THAT is when I love giving God the glory because I feel like I get a piece of it. I feel particularly worthy of giving God the glory and I like it that way. Now is not a time when I feel worthy to give God the full glory. Now is when I want to sulk in my shame and anger of my poor performance. God still reigns. God is still glorified and I certainly feel a deeper sense of trust when I look back on all the hard work of the semester and do not see a blazing "A" for every single class. I am thankful for His continual grace and call to get my eyes out of my navel and onto the blazing work of Christ crucified and resurrected to inform my failed performance! 

Good Sunday

I am so thankful for Sunday's and the challenge to simply take today and rest. Rest in the quietness of my room, reading, sharing the time with friends and other very broken people worshipping our Creator, hearing a sermon, taking communion, going on a walk with my mom :) all of these things bring such rest to my soul and I am so glad God allows us to experience these things! I was challenged on Friday by Hannah to confidently thank God for the good things in our lives. I admitted my uncertainty over whether I could thank God that my sister's laptop was returned and she so graciously pointed out that every good thing is from God, including the return of Kristina's stolen laptop! SO I am thankful for cloudy days, thinkthin bars, watermelon, muffins, communion, friends who challenge me to be real, friends who forgive, family who listens and cares about me, who are gracious when we make mistakes and forgetful of embarrassing moments :) I am also thankful for the cross and the rest and grace that comes with it. Pastor Jeff talked about the three implications of the cross, how it confronts our sin, demonstrates God's love for us, and gives us the foundation to love others. All of these things confront me in my selfishness and I was thankful to pray with Cristina!

Friends?

Oh the joys of deep reflection. I am so thankful for having a friend who challenged me today to look outside with thanksgiving. She has great taste in music that simply begs me to start typing. This platform is private and so incredibly freeing. The imagery within my soul gets excited when I read her work. It is unashamed and poetic. It never ceases to remind me that there are beautiful things in the everyday that I so often miss and look over. I found busyness safe because it allowed me to act like I gave of myself today. No one can see the selfishness, pride, hatred, lust, wandering eyes, when everyone sees a hard-working intern. That's attractive, right? I will spend myself for you. Pouring out my soul, be the person you want me to be. But who am I? Reflection is a hidden talent of mine. I want to reflect the person you want me to be. I want you to see me exactly as the person you would want in a friend, co-worker, sister, passerby on the street. Please accept me. Yet there is no hope, no solid foundation found in your acceptance. I cannot trust in it because it cannot last. I am feeble, you, my friend, are too. So where does that leave me? Begging for acceptance? What if, instead, Jesus were to be the sole focus of both our souls? So many questions because I desire this to be a conversation between you and me. There is so much hope, love, joy, peace, solid-ness in the person of Jesus Christ. I so badly want you to know that and I wonder if our friendship will lead us to that point. What if we could be comfortable enough to share life, knowing that the One who formed it from words is enough?

A better idea

I don't want to write for your eyes. Regardless of your background, where you are in life, I want to love you by being real with my struggles, but I feel like often to open up I must turn from your curious face and look instead to my Maker. Writing to Him allows for a deeper sense of honesty because I know that He sees all of me and still loves me. There is no rejection in the name of Jesus and it is in His name I cling. I do not speak with authority, nor full confidence in my faith, but I do speak as one touched by grace. Once you've spent time dwelling in His goodness there truly is no going back!

Just begun to see, so great a wonder that is found

In the name of the Renowned One

So barely scratched the surface

To understand what true love is

Love that sacrificed so much

Love that reached out, touching lepers

Frail, broken souls,

Unworthy to be made whole

Soft and tender was His gaze

Sweet and everlasting is his face

Those eyes so aware of what was to come

Still reached out those hands to love

Failing, broken people

Loving while most stood still

Not most, but all, depraved we are under the fall

What Adam brought in, Christ has paid for

Ever we are redeemed and called poor

In this world, but rich in God’s mercy

What a beautiful necessity. 

You've been good always.

I love All Sons and Daughters. The name alone brings a needed reminder that I belong to the Father. I am His daughter and He is my Father. How I wish that could resonate so permanently with my soul that nothing could steal its reality from my soul. yet here I am. falling short, again, for the billionth time, overwhelmed with how I was not missional tonight, how all I wanted was for him to glorify me, for him to magnify my name, as if I am worthy of such speech. How majestic is the name of the Lord! Who was and is and is to come. Gosh dang it. I don't want to need a guy. I don't want to feel this way, all dolled up, really enjoying the night, yet longing for something more. I am thankful I was not given the affirmation and glorification I so longed for, yet I still feel guilty that I wasn't enough for him, that he didn't ask me out. whew! man, I am so glad God doesn't give me what I think I want, but it was so hard to not be angry at God. I am so thankful I was called out by a friend, who so blatantly asked me, "Are you angry at your friend for having a guy, or are you angry at God?" yikes. I am embarrassed to admit it but I operate so horrifically often with the mindset that I know better than God. I would make myself thinner, prettier, less awkward, not single, and yet so many of these things are incredible blessings! I am thankful I cannot control the universe and I am thankful I serve a God whose steadfast love has given me eternal life. God has been good. always.

My Father's World

"I rest in the thought of rocks and trees, of skies and seas"

My soul pushes me toward progress. I have dreamt I was unable to accomplish something and kept up for hours, anxious, before realizing that the struggle was simply a fleeting thought, a manifestation of all the anxiety I allow myself to remain within my worshiping soul throughout the day. To rest in the Father, who is before, above, beyond oh how the words of my understanding cannot fully relay the depths of all that He is. Yet how foolish of me to lay this before you as the concrete longings of my heart. They are feelings, fleeing my heart at the sign of danger. I am quick to turn, controlling hands are quick to grasp the life I have been given, incredibly shallow are the breaths I inhale when I cannot trust in my Father.

This is my Father's world.

Returning Home

Well this past week was incredible. I deeply desire to capture the sights, feelings, awe and wonder that existed over the course of the seven days, yet most of all, I don't want to forget just how incredible God was. He is amazing and it is so incredibly easy to remember that when there is a ginormous canyon surrounding you. All it took was a glance left, right, up, down, it didn't even make a difference, but simply gazing upon the scenery took my hope, focus, heart to a place where my own worries and anxiety could not survive. There was simply no space for them to breathe because the air was so filled with awe of the Creator. Vivid images remain seared upon my mind, how long they will last, I am unsure. However, God will not change. He will remain the God who created the vast canyon I had the blessing to be part of, even just for a fleeting moment. I am so thankful for the opportunity to experience God in that way and I deeply hope that life experiences will reaffirm the God I witnessed in the canyon- a God who is meticulous, a God who allows His rod and His staff to comfort us, a God who created the earth and who sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him (1 John 4:9). This God is enough and He is worthy of following. I was thankful to be behind our guide for a portion of the hike to witness how he took small steps during the uphill. He probably could have taken bigger steps, but for the sake of the group, and the little energy we all had, his steps were intentional and methodical. I didn't want to follow them, and didn't want to trust that he always knew what the best method of ascension was, however, it was humbling to trust his steps over my own. God always uses unexpected experiences and people to humble us and to take us beyond a life we had planned for ourselves. I am so thankful God loves and teaches, even when I am a terrible listener.

I have returned home to an empty apartment and it feels hard to swallow after spending a week with a group of people. I have come here with an open heart, in hopes that it will be reminded again of God's goodness and greatness, regardless of whether I am gasping at His creation in Arizona, or staring at a painted apartment wall. Music playing, it is grace that grants clarity, to walk in a "manner worthy of the calling to which I have been called", walking, breathing, doing to will a heart overwhelmed with thankfulness, that it my hope and deepest longing, or at least that is the determined desire of my head :) I am so glad to have experienced this trip and am thankful to return home with the memories of that Grand Adventure!

Thankful

Today,

I am thankful for cold weather. I am thankful for applications that make me think. I am thankful for the ability to type, to allow the time I have to be filled with both learning and relaxation. I am thankful for Sundays. I am thankful for grace. I am thankful for growth. How often can I use "I" in a sentence before it becomes rather obnoxious? God is so good, He is so patient, unwavering, and enduring. Today, He is beyond my understanding like the days when my vision stings with tears. He is the same God when I wept bitterly outside the business school, He is the same God when I worshipped in Houston, surrounded by thousands of other believers, and He is the same God in Jeremiah who is pleading to the Israelites to remain under the Babylonian rule. If I could re-write this timeline I would change things, I could assume I know what is best, but I don't and I'm thankful for that :)

Today, He reigns, He is risen!

Memoir

I was really excited for the opportunity to write like I blog for an assignment in journalism :)

All It Took Was A Door

My hands grasped the door handle. Looking back now I would have screamed at myself to not enter in an attempt to escape the reality awaiting me. I would have pleaded, “Turn around! Enjoy these few moments before you realize someone you held dearly, someone who loved you beyond comprehension, is gone.” The significant event was not in the opening of the door. Instead, the key moment was the death of my father, who suffered a heart attack at 38. The words “key” and “moment” strung together in a sentence immediately bring to memory a scene painfully familiar to my soul. The vision of adults sobbing and hugging, the smell of flowers and fruit trays, and the touch of my bare feet on the patio, desperately hoping fresh air will shock me out of the nightmare, creates a single scene in my life. No other memory is more vividly seared in my mind.

After I pushed the door open, it took a few seconds to register why people were in my home who didn’t belong there on a Tuesday afternoon. Friends and family stood, weak and sorrowful, around the kitchen and family room. But their sorrow could not compare to the woman on the couch, surrounded by her dearest friends. I had never seen my mother weep. I still hope I will never have to witness the heart-wrenching sobs I heard. I sat with her for a second, but felt this crushing desire to escape. I rushed to the bathroom, locked the door, and screamed. I'm embarrassed now that the sound of my pain is in the memories of those family and friends, but in the moment all I wanted was release. The screaming may have expelled air but the heartbreak remained. I headed outside after grabbing a Coke, a beverage only my parents were allowed to drink. The urge to escape was soon met with a yearning for rebellion. “Why would God do this?” I asked myself. I was angry with God for allowing my father to die and felt this urge to rebel against Him. If screaming out of sorrow came first, screaming out of anger quickly followed. I was furious because there was nothing I could do to change this scene. No mystery to solve, no penance to be paid, my father was gone and that was the life that lay ahead of me.

I returned to school two days after I grasped the door handle. No one knew how to act around me and it was uncomfortable. I couldn’t understand how people could smile, laugh, and find joy when I was so brokenhearted. There were moments when I tried to act as if I was all put back together. I wanted to prove to them I was stronger than my circumstances, but it always ended in failure. I ended up crying over a missed assignment or a simple misunderstanding and was ashamed I could not be strong enough for my mom and sister, let alone for myself. Still I pushed on; I strived to be stronger. My mother required my sister and I to attend church and I left feeling empowered to be “better”. However, when Monday afternoon arrived, I had failed to be a better person and felt utterly helpless. I was pushing the same door handle hoping there would be something else besides hurt on the other side. It wasn’t until I was a junior in high school when a new pastor arrived at church. He told us, “Christianity is for those who have tried their best and failed.” I knew I was failing to measure up, but our pastor presented a glorious solution: Jesus Christ. He had stepped in and was perfect in my place. I was no longer burdened with needing to be strong enough because I was freely accepted in Christ.

The door remains, etched in my memory, but it no longer leads to a place of frustration or anger, but instead leads to a vivid, yet peaceful, place.