Clear the Stage

"Cause you can sing all you want to
Yes you can sing all you want to
and still get it wrong." -Jimmy Needham

Clearing the stage,
Doing what you must
to clear the dusty idols
been taking the spotlight
far too long.

Can it simply be done, every tear of frustration of how things are, how things are not, is it enough for it to be a thought or must it sit upon my tongue for longer before the courage appears to release it. I cannot clear these idols alone. They remain, though one replaced, it remains. Knuckles still white, undoubtedly from my soul aching in frustration. Release white knuckles! Take heart for these white knuckles are bloodied from a man whom I struck. Bloody from a righteous covering I do not deserve. Past the cross, the skin that once was simply animal is not temporary, but permanent.

She is sitting there and I sit here

The window is between us. Cars go by and God is good. The battle between the reality of You, Lord, and the external circumstances. I am so ashamed that I want to be her. I want her seat more than the one You gave me. I should feel thankful, I should be amazed at the wonderful chance I have to sit here with my BEST FRIEND. WHY ARE YOU DOWNCAST O MY SOUL?! I AM FURIOUS. MY SOUL IS SCREAMING AT MYSELF. She is struggling, she needs grace, she is not perfect, she bears your face. therefore, light expel darkness, show what true love is, that Jesus you died for me and nothing else matters, let it all face me not in fear but in TRUTH.

Wait for it

Breathe, I continue exhaling, expelling the remnants of residue from the air within my lungs. Control, that's what I want. I want to be able to control whether he texts me back or not. I want to control the sunset to allow me a few more hours of good days and a few less during the bad days. Why can't I understand the might, the power I was meant to ascribe to our God?! Why can't I see the vastness and depth of our Deliverer who is before every moment?! There is so much necessity in His righteous and  forgiving arms that I miss out on because I am beside myself chasing that "sweeter frame" that I cannot seem to wrap enough control around, elusive and yet ever present. Half of me wants to push it away entirely without any blinking. To alter the circumstances in order to protect myself. The alternative is to rush into the moment with everything, hoping that the good moments will tie me over until they come again. This is foolish and I know it. I fear it. Terribly so because I have been there many times and have personally dealt with the repercussions and they have been awful, horrible. I have felt so broken by the misplaced hope of an idol that teeters still, in the moment I am well aware it is unable to be the firm foundation Christ is, however, I am scared to entirely let it go. 9/28
sLORD PLEASE open my hands, open my heart, open my mind to not see the phone in my peripheral and hope for it to be illuminated with a longer name than most. My legs become numb and required to be adjusted because I simply want to remain in the moment, in undeniable confession. Here, this blog, is safety, free in its ability to drown out the doubts. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I am so ashamed to wait for him like this. I am so sorry Jesus that he still holds my hope but I am scared for how long the healing will take, SIT IN IT. God I was unable to fight sin today without your grace, and I need your grace to lift up this phone problem, this inability to understand the repercussions of a misplaced hope until it is too late. PLEASE Lord! In your perfect timing allow my heart to rest in your promises.