I feel like this post pretty much will write itself. The title was on my mind the second the page opened. I am struggling with having patience, with being patient for God to give me the things I desire. I want to list them out apart from the fact that I also don't want to sound like a demanding ten year old writing a letter to Santa. I have these list of demands, things I am putting my hope in, and if these demands are not met I will continue to hold my joy and gratitude ransom. It's pretty crazy to be able to process this and really see before my eyes the depths of my ungratefulness. I really want this promotion and I really want to have the honeymoon at Hamanasi in Belize and I am holding my worship hostage unless God grants me these things! Wow. The Holy Spirit really spoke to me the other day about my issue with patience! I feel like I'm impatient, not only in waiting for the specific things I want, but also in His power to change my heart about these things. I get resentful at God for not changing my heart when I've been praying for patience for the last week or so! I just want to FEEL patient! I want to be content with where God has me and be so incredibly grateful that I have a job and that I am getting married and that I have an incredible family and future in-laws who are incredibly loving and supportive! I can mentally comprehend the good things around me but they just don't feel like they are enough! These good gifts are not enough to satisfy my longings for intimacy, to FEEL fully known and fully loved and to FEEL great about it! When Satan tempts me to despair and tells me of the guilt within UPWARD I LOOK and see HIM there, who made an end of all my sin. Because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted FREE; for GOD the just is satisfied to look on HIM and pardon me! If I could bold every word in that last line I would just so I can ensure it's truth impresses upon my soul for long enough to feel that it's true. It is God who is the answer to my sin, my impatience, my longings. There is no other fountain to drink from that will truly satisfy my soul. I am drinking toilet water like it's meant to nourish me. The function of toilet water is important and I can be grateful for it, but to drink from it like it will heal and/or save me is entirely wrong. I love running through sprinklers in the hot summer sun and allowing the water to evaporate off my skin in the heat as I enjoy lemonade, but sticking my face in the sprinkler to find nourishment is a terrible idea.
To move from an understanding of truth, to understand that I am worshiping God's good gifts and demanding that they operate according to my rules, instead of being grateful for the opportunity to enjoy work, enjoy Michael, enjoy my friends, enjoy my family, enjoy wedding planning, all things that are good gifts from a good Father, to move from idolatry to praise will take grace and the power of the Holy Spirit to move in me to confess my idolatry and repent of my demand for control. I may not get the job I want and I may not honeymoon in the exact spot I want, but if not He is still good. What an incredible gift on a Sunday to be drawn to confession and repentance!
