Can You Help Me?

Ask. Just ask. What question? Where do I even start? Can you help me? please? Can you restore to me the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit within me? can you help me see today as a gift? can you grant him a deeper sense of Your love?
I can feel my soul thirst. The longing is clear but the solution is hazy. I want to immediately seek another. I am restless, irritable, discontent, and have a perceived solution holding me, a soul that I care deeply for, but who is not the answer to this restlessness, irritability, and discontentment.
I know there is a solution outside myself and outside of any gift You have given me. I want to appreciate the gift without being consumed by it, overwhelmed by it, placing my hope, purpose, and past all in a single thing, something not meant to carry the weight of my worship. But I cannot without You.

Can you help me seek to be satisfied in You before I turn to enjoy these wonderful gifts you have placed in my life for today?

Lunch Break

To get to sit in the midst of a work day and rest. I am so grateful for today. I'm thankful for the opportunity to ask for grace, for the opportunity to see the evidence of grace in conversations that weren't forced. I love him. So much. Yet there is a surer love that must remain our focus, a deeper well we must continue to draw from for our love will fail. It already has for goodness sakes. And yet I know it will fail again, soon. Yet as we know this, I want our hope to be in Your return, Jesus! I want to love well in light of eternity. Your eternal promise that our Father will not let a single tear fall without His knowing. That regardless of my love for You, the love you have given to us in your life, death, and resurrection will remain the foundation of my identity. 

Growing UP

There is something about making a new decision on your own for the first time that is exhilarating. There is power in this perceived freedom and a sense in which your actions are now your own, your future is in your control. oops. Yeah this is already not going well. :) I didn't want to be an adult today, I didn't want to leave napping to make lunch for this week. First off, thank you Lord for the time to make lunch. Thank you for the gift of food and to take time in silence to use my hands to create. I miss certain things about home, childhood, and Seattle, but the theme of these is the perceived freedom I had from worry and duty. It seems as though I traded one freedom for another, yet this definition of freedom is a lie. Freedom is not the ability to do whatever I want, when I want, and never having to deal with the consequences of choosing to act immaturely or irresponsibly. Freedom is found in Jesus Christ's sacrifice on the cross, when He took upon Himself my sin, including the selfishness behind the desire to be autonomous and have freedom from responsibility. There is freedom in knowing that God's design for me is to live in utter dependence and reliance on Him, knowing that in Him there is rest, duty, responsibility, and the freedom to be broken and in need of His love.

I don't want to assume or overcomplicate this. To presume upon these artistic and creative feelings that I now understand God, how He works, all that He does, and to present myself as one completely fine with the idea that He is sovereign over all things. I feel that way right now because I feel that we have weathered a big life event, yet if I'm honest, it was easier to love him in that moment because he wanted to be loved, cared for, and encouraged. It was easier to see the physical temptations because God was good to point them out to me. Even now, I started writing as if I was the one who handled the situation so well