Shame

So is this becoming the theme that my hands have subconsciously yearned to type? A word and then all of the emotions, thoughts, and words that pour from me as a result. I have come to the conclusion that no one reads this blog and yet by saying this I am imagining a cute, male reader finding my words so compelling he must sweep me off my feet at once. Do I want this? yes. but as I continue to walk (by God's grace) forward in my faith I am finding that I no longer want the idea of this but a man of God who respects me and loves me as Christ loves the church. Shame. haha man I love stream of consciousness writing. I feel shame because I can no longer look at a kiss and see it as innocent. Shame because my first real kiss will not in fact be with my future husband. Call it naive and I agree with you but  that girl who was untainted by alcohol and physical intimacy wasn't ever tempted by those things. Gosh DANG IT. I am so full of crap. UNTAINTED?!?! am I SERIOUSLY saying that before I had a beer I was untainted. Wow. See that is the problem with sin, especially in high school. I had this ranking system in my head. Speeding would be at the bottom along with fake compliments and gossip, while drugsexalcohol were the tri-fecta of dirty things that I (bless my heart) was above.
Lord,
I am messed up. I am not more messed up now that i've made out with someone and I am not less messed up because I asked my neighbors to church this afternoon. Faith is completed by works but is not founded in works (James 2). My faith is rooted in your grace and mercy, not by what my friend's think of my actions. Father, I ask forgiveness of what happened last night. Not because of the act of making out but because of where my heart was. AMEN

Thoughts of a Loved Someone

My God:

• Okay with me doing my own thing
• Rewards me with emotional highs 
• Punishes me with emotional lows
• Will only speak to me if I am walking perfectly in His way
• Little desire for my discomfort 
• Limited by people's opinions and reactions
• Won't rescue me in times of trouble 

God of Universe:

• Demands my obedience out of His unsurprising knowledge that His will is infinitely better than mine
• Though God may use emotions to give me conviction, they are not his primary source of revelation, His WORD is
• It is be grace I have been saved, through faith, therefore nothing I can do will earn me more favor, though with obedience comes a better understanding of who God is and His will for my life
• Growth is essential in my walk with God, His will is that I am discontent with the amount that I know Him and content with how much of the world I breathe in on a daily basis 
• Knows that discomfort brings vulnerability and total and complete reliance on Him
• Is not bound by this world and will rescue me from the bondage and stronghold of people pleasing
• For God so loved He GAVE: He will always come through for me when He is asking me to put myself in an uncomfortable position

Tears

I love writing about tears because they have become a friend to me, a close companion when I am alone. My heart screams and they are the echoes. My heart breaks and they are the glue that has been unbound. Tears fall against my pillow. They would have rather remained inside but they are pushed out by the pain and hurt inside of me. My pillow, underneath the comfortable cloth covering, is yellow with tear stains. My pillow is new and yet it has seen sleepless nights of a young, naive girl lost in her fears of abandonment. It keeps a record of every time this girl decided to put her trust in anything other than Jesus Christ. Every February 3rd brings tears and most days before that because that day life decided to rip her heart out of her chest, life left her bleeding tears. She does not hate life but instead the very absence of it that now is in her own father's chest. The absence of a heart beating, arms hugging, and lips moving to form words that reminded her of his love. She hated life because of the death that so often accompanied it. Her feet hit the trail. "Escape had to be the only option"and yet she knew the only place it would lead would be home. Heaven is a good thing and yet why did she despise it so much. It was the place he was and she was not. You stand and criticize my emotional nature and yet you do not see the pain in my heart. I gave my heart away a long time ago to a father who will never disappoint me, yet can I still not feel lonely? Can I still not yearn for a father to hold me and sweep me up in his arms? I love you as brothers and sisters in Christ but please let me mourn for my fallen. He is long gone and yet he is always just around the corner. My first thought when hearing "death" is Dad and when I hear "life" is babies yet can I not embrace both as Christ? The tears have dried now but my heart is not healed and will break again at any moment. I am so thankful I have a God who holds my heart, who allows me to hurt myself to see how incredible His love is in my life. Tears are God's way of allowing healing to come after hurt, like rain after a drought, tears are an emotional release that allows us to be vulnerable at His feet.

Revelation 21:4 ESV 

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

A door closed.

It feels like the morning after. You know when something really difficult happens and the only closure you get is a poor night's sleep. So much of who I become I owe to God revealing himself through basketball and I can't believe that it is over. Basketball has taught me:

1. Never give excuses- you can only control your attitude and work ethic on and off the court
2. When you do something you love, smiles, fun, and excitement always follow
3. Never become too consumed with the future, the hard work you put in each moment will propel you to success
4. You can't control other people's work ethic
5. God's peace transcends all obstacles
6. God will be with you wherever you go
7. God's plan is superior to the one you have in mind 

I'll miss the floor burns, the inside jokes with my team, playing so well with my sister, being lifted up after the many times I fell, hitting people, posting up on people, pushing past the mental barrier of the 1st quarter, pushing past the physical barrier of the 4th quarter, and being mentored by one of the most incredible dudes I know :)

 God, I thank you for the incredible memories I have had with this team. You have been with this team since day one and I know we could not have done it without your love and peace in each one of our lives. I'm sorry for swearing on the court, and yelling at Morgan and Alyssa in the final game. You are the author and perfecter of my faith and as I close this door, I pray you will guide me to many more journey's filled with smiles, fun, and excitement. Amen

Love

I need verses of encouragement because I am drowning in my own doubt. My head reminds me that I am loved and God will provide this security and affirmation that I am crying for. I know this is a process of me finding myself in Christ, everyday I must take up my cross and follow Christ because I end up happy in this love story. I don't care who I end up with because my life does not end when I get married. I have developed this tunnel vision to the day I get married as if it is the only day that matters.
(Thought that someone actually reads this) I write this to help myself see just how ridiculous my insecurities are when they are typed out in front of me. I don't want an umbrella for this healing rain. I am not afraid to be changed for the good of the Lord. I find myself wanting to be certain places forever (even eating certain foods forever) but most of all, I want to stand in the glory of the Lord forever. If that means being single forever, than to the nunnery I go. I get so lost in the longings of this life I want to be in something completely. Like when you are listening to a song and you wish the notes would bind with every cell in your body so you and the song were one. When the song flowed, you flowed. When it cried out of pain, you were falling right along with it.
(Butterscotch and Chocolate Chip cookie break) I always look like such a loser when I try to become one with the music. I close my eyes and sway my head back and forth. It always makes me wish I was a bird. I love how God promises to take care of such carefree beings.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26 NIV

The danger about these mood swings I get in once I have a cookie is that I shove it under the rug instead of continuing to wrestle with it with God. I love confrontation when it makes me feel better afterwards, but a lot of times, confrontation with God has left me frustrated with myself. I keep messing up! I go through phases of great mental focus, and then i'll lose it in a few hours time and then I'm back where I was before the summer. God reminds me that contentment and self-control comes with time, and I'll wait willingly but I wanted verses to remind me to perservere through this valley.
I wanted verses about perseverance, but the Holy Spirit reminded me that I need a reminder of God's perfect love because if I cling to that, it will dispel any doubts in my mind.

Pslam 100:5

"For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation."