Transient Things

Augustine once wrote: "Let these transient things be the ground on which my soul praises you (Psalm 145:2), God creator of all. But let it not become stuck in them and glued to them with love. . . . For these things . . . rend the soul with pestilential desires; for the soul earnestly desires to be one with them, and take its repose among the object of its love. But in these things there is no point of rest because they lack permanence." (Confessions IV. x. 15)

Words

To simply get them off, the emotional and endearing, the ones I used to put on paper aimed at another, the ones I still use towards friends and family. To reel them in because they can so easily flow from my soul I forget the intended target, I forget that these words are almost worship and those are meant for Christ alone. For he has given within us a passion and desire, though it does not always seem like it is pushing us forward. This feeling of forward motion is addicting and I hope in it far too often. I love to feel as if I am moving towards something, not taking into mind the scenery, nor the road under my feet. This forward motion is addicting and a gift that was intended to keep my eyes not on earthly goals but in eternity, BEYOND the sun, not underneath it.

Looking at the ground

Looking outside to check for rain, eyes glancing down. Submission. That's okay. Its beautiful, actually, because when we are unworthy to look up eyes squinting to the sky for drops of rain, we look at our feet and what do we find? Crowns. The split second when the rain hits a puddle and a ring, its remnants, remain. That is where discovery is found. The clouds do not tell of the rain as much as the ground does.

Desert Pass

This drought stings. There is a sharp reminder of what was and it is painful. I am so thankful for the desert and yet the battle exists where I also despise it for its beauty, for the desperation required under a tear-stained face. Why can't it be easier? And yet even typing that out a smile forms on my face. I don't want easy, I just want results. I love this space to exist in brokenness knowing that God has promised healing. I just want the healing now. I am so comfortable and warm in this moment, but there is a reality beyond my feeling. I want to see Christ for who He is, regardless of who I feel that He is today. He has covered the scales, "it is finished". I want to pursue life-giving things because He gave up His life to give me life and yet all it takes is one look into my life to see that I do not in fact pursue life-giving things. I desire selfish gain, I am angry when I cannot control others, when I cannot comprehend the bigger picture. I CANNOT SEE IT. Drawn back to the sand. Where desert and growth collide, there is a mixture of desert ashes and streams flowing, all from the same hands.

Take Heart

Tearing through lies is painful. Meaningless, meaningless, meaningless. This cycle of "circular silliness" can be such a unbelievable, humbling reminder that so much of what I strive for is rooted in my belief that I can make a temporary thing an ultimate thing. Tearing through lies is peace giving because it removed the burden of proof upon my soul, to try to prove to myself that the hell-bent fears existing within my soul are real because I believe them to be. Instead, to sit in this space and cling to the biblical reality that in the name of Christ, they do not have the final say. Simple or complex, both are feeble in light of my personal understanding. "I am weary, O God, and worn out. Surely I am too stupid to be a man. I have not the understanding of a man. I have not learned wisdom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One." I love that Proverbs 30 partially bookends with the beginning of Proverbs 1 "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction."

There is another sense to all this perception, another way to evaluate existence and reality, circumstances and change: faith. Finding hope in Jesus Christ. What a beautiful Truth in the context of the gift of understanding God gives, to see His son and trust He is ultimate.