My Place in this World

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me

Hear me asking
Where do I belong?
Is there a vision
That I can call my own?

Show me, I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world
-Michael W Smith

Felt like posting this, too long for facebook :) LOVE this song! I constantly strive for my purpose through the approval of guys and the hardest one today was the approval of my math homework. I sit in Pre-Calc everyday surrounded by students who understand the material. Most days I have to hold back the tears of frustration. I always leave that class feeling so insufficient and so stupid. It is so hard for me to listen to the Holy Spirit when I feel like I am drowning in the unknown. He is there with a life raft, but I try to save myself by flailing my arms and blaming others about my circumstance. 

 

Lord, help me seek you with every breath I take, especially during third block. It is so hard for me not to measure my worth off of success in that class. I want to look sideways because for so long I based my identity off of what others thought of me. This is no more. Help me 'trust in You always and not lean on my own understanding'. I sometimes resent the identity you have given me because there are others who seem to have better qualities than I. You, God, are the maker of the heavens, the earth, and me! Help me base my identity on the artist and not other art around me. amen

Separation

There was once a little girl who was raised by two loving, passionate parents. These parents were passionate about a lot of things and would argue every once in a while. They got matters out in the open, instead of hiding them in the corner. But this little girl didn't understand why her parents fought. It scared her because she was scared her daddy would leave her. Her father was so passionate about things that one day he slammed the refrigerator door so hard all the magnets came tumbling down. All the pictures and art work on display fell with them. The little girl came scurrying in between her parents trying to pick up the magnets, hoping everything would get better. She was so scared her daddy would leave, she thought that if she tried to help he would see that and calm down. This little girl became so scared she would lose her mommy and daddy, she would have nightmares about them dying every time she went to a friend's house to sleep over. She would cry and cry worrying about their safety. She once contemplated sneaking out of her friend's house and walking home to be with her parents.
          This little girl grew up and suddenly one day her nightmare came true. She was in the middle of recorder class in the fourth grade when her teacher suddenly received a phone call. She looked at the girl when the door opened and it was Mrs. Isbell. She had come to pick her up early. The girl's instructions were to go with Mrs. Isbell because my mother needed me at home. She took her recorder book along with her in hopes she would finish coloring in all the letters in the music book, she hated recorder and thought that was a better use of her time. Her sister joined her as Dr. and Mrs. Isbell drove them home. There were cars surrounding the house and her first thought was 'oh we're having a party' and when she saw a police women filling out forms in the driveway she thought 'oh, she is giving someone a ticket'. They came in through the side door, through the laundry room when she saw Dr. Brendan, the school's dean standing in the kitchen. The moment of realization was a feeling she would never forget. It started with screams and then tears and then more screams. She ran into the bathroom and spouted off whatever swear words would come to her head. She ran to the refrigerator drawers and grabbed a coca-cola, the one drink she was not allowed to have, and went outside on the concrete patio. She kept swearing because she was so angry at God for doing this to her. After she finished the coke, but mind she had not cooled down, she went to sit with her mother on the couch in the family room. Her mother could not stop crying and that scared her, the mother was supposed to be the strong one and yet she was weeping. People continued to trickle in, she was surprised by how many people were crying because she wanted to be consoled, she wanted to be held and told that everything was going to be okay. She did receive condolences, but it did not fix the fact that her father was gone. She went up to her room and look up and said 'God give me a sign you're still here'. She looked outside to see two horseback riders just crossing the street outside the house. She broke down in tears. To this day, anytime she sees a horse she is reminded of God's faithfulness and peace in times of trouble. Her friends arrived after school and she tried to impress them with her strength by telling them 'sorry i'm such a cry baby!' They gave her the response she wanted, and expected, 'you're not a cry baby! we're so sorry you lost your dad.' The memory continues into her dream that night. The backyard was gone, bulldozed, but her father was back. She had to return all the stuffed animals, and blankets, and food given to her because of his death and she was mad about it. She wanted all those things back. She was forced to stay home from school the next day, much to her dismay. She wanted everything to go back to normal. She wanted her mother to get remarried as soon as possible and she wanted her friends to not treat her like some charity case. Her memory gets hazy until the funeral which was amazing. She felt like she never even knew her dad with all these stories that were told. Her father touched so many people's lives and she had no idea. The second most haunting part was the open casket viewing. Seeing a dead person will do things to people, but seeing the body, the cold, lifeless, soulless body of someone you love, sucked. There is no other way to put it. The burial was the third and final most haunting part of her father's death. A large machine lowered the brown casket into the ground. The view was gorgeous, but she didn't notice. A rainbow appeared during, or after (she can't remember), the burial and it was yet another sign of God's incredible love for her. No one knew that for some reason a memory had stuck with her all those years of her asking her father 'daddy, what is a rainbow' his answer was 'one day when you're bigger you'll understand'. She understood it, and to this day is fascinated by it because a rainbow is a reflection of raindrops, yet no one sees the same rainbow.
        So how does this all connect with her separation anxiety? It was through losing her father she was able to be aware of just how serious it was. It took her 6 years to finally realize she had the problem and it will be something that will always be with her, but with the help of the Lord it will not be something that hinders her.

Weeds

 I feel like there is no emotion that can't be explained with a Taylor Swift song :) But I have to be careful because my heart will create emotions when I am listening to certain songs. "Mine" came on the radio as I was driving and I could feel myself going back to him.  I have become so addicted to feeling that high from liking someone that I feel like I cannot separate my identity from it. This weed has become the main flower of my life and as school is just around the corner I am scared I will continue to ignore because I am so overwhelmed by it. It's not just the approval i'm after, its the all-around pursuit that I want. But its more complicated than that. I want him to pursue me first, but then allow me to chase, and be excited by the relationship. My biggest pet peeve is when I feel trapped by someone. I am independent to my core and I need to feel free, like I have the choice to be there, not simply because I feel badly about the situation. My dream man is God. I wasn't going to originally type that, but the Holy Spirit had something else in mind. I wanted to type" My dream man is out there, waiting, and I'll find him one day, and he'll be everything I'm looking for in a man and more.", but as I step back and look at that phrase I realize God is everything in a man and more. I can feel myself getting closer to God, yet there are still so many weeds that inhibit a functioning relationship with Him. And I know that until I can have a functional relationship with God on my own, and be truly in love with Him, I will not find the true love God has planned for me to share with my dream man.

Something

There is something about writing my name out that makes me smile. I love that I am still able to have a part of my dad with me every time I write my name.

There is something about blogging that makes me feel an emotional release. My emotions melt away as my fingers find the keys to the words I am feeling. I am able to see more clearly what I am thinking and what I am feeling when I can see it right in front of me. That is a gift from God.

There is something about the rain that reminds me of all those years camping with my family. When we would pack up the last morning, there always seemed to be a drizzle. The patter on the tent reminds me of my dad and I like that. I hold on to any reminder I have of him because he has become a picture in a frame. He was an incredible father, but in two and a half years he will have been apart of only half of my life. That makes me sad.

There is something about God that makes me feel safe. Not my 'conscience god', but the living Holy Spirit that is inside of me. I'm big on imagery and when I imagine God wrapping his arms around me, I feel whole. I want so badly to be some man's daughter, I cling to that too much.