Resting

Christ, there is nothing new to be said

Risen, once believed dead

Can hold the weight of our hope

and when we are at the end of our rope

with nothing left to do but lay facedown 

in utter disbelief that he gave up His crown

His throne to come to us

React, Rest we must

Both Mary and Martha were loved

Prince of Peace, Valiant Savior He was

Enough for us.

I forget to breathe sometimes.

My heart still throbs, it was like breaking up all over again, he is here now. no longer the elusive "there", and I want nothing more than to run away and never come back. but that means giving up so much of what I love, the safety of community I had last summer. when everything was colored in early mornings, long nights, with little light in-between. I FEEL hurt. I FEEL angry. I FEEL anxious. breathe.
step back and analyze how I THINK.

I THINK that God is good. He knows what he is doing and He sent His only begotten Son to be born. It's coming up in four days, actually. Did you KNOW that?! Christ came as a baby boy, a child who was born to the world. It would be nice to wring out every emotional pulse out of my body to create a post that deeply delves into just how I feel, just how badly I am hurting, but I must take a step back. God was with His people in Egypt. They were waiting for a Savior and he came in the form of a man who killed an Egyptian, was unsure about himself and God's plan. It's okay to ask. So I must: Why didn't it work out? even as I'm typing I know the answer. I know that it could never work because I was anxious to no end fearing he would no longer accept me because he was my identity. I was lost and thought I had found someone to save me, to become like a father to me, when what I needed most was Christ, His presence, His peace. Nothing compares to this love, this love grabs attention. breathe.

Transient Things

Augustine once wrote: "Let these transient things be the ground on which my soul praises you (Psalm 145:2), God creator of all. But let it not become stuck in them and glued to them with love. . . . For these things . . . rend the soul with pestilential desires; for the soul earnestly desires to be one with them, and take its repose among the object of its love. But in these things there is no point of rest because they lack permanence." (Confessions IV. x. 15)

Words

To simply get them off, the emotional and endearing, the ones I used to put on paper aimed at another, the ones I still use towards friends and family. To reel them in because they can so easily flow from my soul I forget the intended target, I forget that these words are almost worship and those are meant for Christ alone. For he has given within us a passion and desire, though it does not always seem like it is pushing us forward. This feeling of forward motion is addicting and I hope in it far too often. I love to feel as if I am moving towards something, not taking into mind the scenery, nor the road under my feet. This forward motion is addicting and a gift that was intended to keep my eyes not on earthly goals but in eternity, BEYOND the sun, not underneath it.

Looking at the ground

Looking outside to check for rain, eyes glancing down. Submission. That's okay. Its beautiful, actually, because when we are unworthy to look up eyes squinting to the sky for drops of rain, we look at our feet and what do we find? Crowns. The split second when the rain hits a puddle and a ring, its remnants, remain. That is where discovery is found. The clouds do not tell of the rain as much as the ground does.

Desert Pass

This drought stings. There is a sharp reminder of what was and it is painful. I am so thankful for the desert and yet the battle exists where I also despise it for its beauty, for the desperation required under a tear-stained face. Why can't it be easier? And yet even typing that out a smile forms on my face. I don't want easy, I just want results. I love this space to exist in brokenness knowing that God has promised healing. I just want the healing now. I am so comfortable and warm in this moment, but there is a reality beyond my feeling. I want to see Christ for who He is, regardless of who I feel that He is today. He has covered the scales, "it is finished". I want to pursue life-giving things because He gave up His life to give me life and yet all it takes is one look into my life to see that I do not in fact pursue life-giving things. I desire selfish gain, I am angry when I cannot control others, when I cannot comprehend the bigger picture. I CANNOT SEE IT. Drawn back to the sand. Where desert and growth collide, there is a mixture of desert ashes and streams flowing, all from the same hands.

Take Heart

Tearing through lies is painful. Meaningless, meaningless, meaningless. This cycle of "circular silliness" can be such a unbelievable, humbling reminder that so much of what I strive for is rooted in my belief that I can make a temporary thing an ultimate thing. Tearing through lies is peace giving because it removed the burden of proof upon my soul, to try to prove to myself that the hell-bent fears existing within my soul are real because I believe them to be. Instead, to sit in this space and cling to the biblical reality that in the name of Christ, they do not have the final say. Simple or complex, both are feeble in light of my personal understanding. "I am weary, O God, and worn out. Surely I am too stupid to be a man. I have not the understanding of a man. I have not learned wisdom, nor have I knowledge of the Holy One." I love that Proverbs 30 partially bookends with the beginning of Proverbs 1 "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction."

There is another sense to all this perception, another way to evaluate existence and reality, circumstances and change: faith. Finding hope in Jesus Christ. What a beautiful Truth in the context of the gift of understanding God gives, to see His son and trust He is ultimate.

Clear the Stage

"Cause you can sing all you want to
Yes you can sing all you want to
and still get it wrong." -Jimmy Needham

Clearing the stage,
Doing what you must
to clear the dusty idols
been taking the spotlight
far too long.

Can it simply be done, every tear of frustration of how things are, how things are not, is it enough for it to be a thought or must it sit upon my tongue for longer before the courage appears to release it. I cannot clear these idols alone. They remain, though one replaced, it remains. Knuckles still white, undoubtedly from my soul aching in frustration. Release white knuckles! Take heart for these white knuckles are bloodied from a man whom I struck. Bloody from a righteous covering I do not deserve. Past the cross, the skin that once was simply animal is not temporary, but permanent.

She is sitting there and I sit here

The window is between us. Cars go by and God is good. The battle between the reality of You, Lord, and the external circumstances. I am so ashamed that I want to be her. I want her seat more than the one You gave me. I should feel thankful, I should be amazed at the wonderful chance I have to sit here with my BEST FRIEND. WHY ARE YOU DOWNCAST O MY SOUL?! I AM FURIOUS. MY SOUL IS SCREAMING AT MYSELF. She is struggling, she needs grace, she is not perfect, she bears your face. therefore, light expel darkness, show what true love is, that Jesus you died for me and nothing else matters, let it all face me not in fear but in TRUTH.

Wait for it

Breathe, I continue exhaling, expelling the remnants of residue from the air within my lungs. Control, that's what I want. I want to be able to control whether he texts me back or not. I want to control the sunset to allow me a few more hours of good days and a few less during the bad days. Why can't I understand the might, the power I was meant to ascribe to our God?! Why can't I see the vastness and depth of our Deliverer who is before every moment?! There is so much necessity in His righteous and  forgiving arms that I miss out on because I am beside myself chasing that "sweeter frame" that I cannot seem to wrap enough control around, elusive and yet ever present. Half of me wants to push it away entirely without any blinking. To alter the circumstances in order to protect myself. The alternative is to rush into the moment with everything, hoping that the good moments will tie me over until they come again. This is foolish and I know it. I fear it. Terribly so because I have been there many times and have personally dealt with the repercussions and they have been awful, horrible. I have felt so broken by the misplaced hope of an idol that teeters still, in the moment I am well aware it is unable to be the firm foundation Christ is, however, I am scared to entirely let it go. 9/28
sLORD PLEASE open my hands, open my heart, open my mind to not see the phone in my peripheral and hope for it to be illuminated with a longer name than most. My legs become numb and required to be adjusted because I simply want to remain in the moment, in undeniable confession. Here, this blog, is safety, free in its ability to drown out the doubts. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I am so ashamed to wait for him like this. I am so sorry Jesus that he still holds my hope but I am scared for how long the healing will take, SIT IN IT. God I was unable to fight sin today without your grace, and I need your grace to lift up this phone problem, this inability to understand the repercussions of a misplaced hope until it is too late. PLEASE Lord! In your perfect timing allow my heart to rest in your promises. 

Melodies

and my heart is still singing
your words are still ringing
through my soul.
There is no laughter,
I can only hear crying
you voice is still
over it all, always there.

No doubt about it,
I long to still shout it
in the rain.
When there is still singing
and your praises are ringing
everywhere.

So become my vision
become my hope
be all my heart wants to see
all else, let it go.
Today there is silence,
no singing at all.
But in the midst of the quiet,
you're still God of all.

These words come through
like melodies
sung of you
so awakening, captivating
all of me.
Jesus reign in the here and now.

Good Morning

Easy to create a title when my eyes are rested, soul anticipating a good day, which is unknown, but God is here, and God still remains when I am faithless. Nothing compares to starting a morning steeping my soul, mind, and spirit in the scripture of God. Nehemiah is fascinating in its powerful testimony of a people who are able to look back on the wonders of God, the flowing grace and forgiveness, the gloriousness of His name, and say "Blessed be your glorious name" (9:5). They are amazed at how God was truly there, providing in amazing ways from the choosing of Abram, the Red Sea parting, and the wandering in the wilderness. All things that at the time were unexplainable, but looking back they so clearly reflect God's sovereignty. All the while God remained faithful, even when they could not see it or actually complained about its apparent absence. "Help me in my unbelief" could have escaped their lips, in the midst of the reality beyond their circumstances, but instead they focus on their understanding and lose the grandeur of God's greater plan. There is a greater plan of redemption, culminating on the cross and His return to consummate all things as we now look to eternity. Let my hope rest in that culmination, in the Savior who is, who was, and who is to come.

Titles are the hardest, to put into the line the summation of my heart. To tell you exactly what I am feeling, experiences, and bringing to this paragraph. It is not enough my fingers decide, as I tab down to begin writing. I am eager and anxiously awaiting the opportunity to let my fingers go wild, to animate upon the screen the things that are upon my soul. I love writing, probably should be studying PolySci, but instead I am listening to soft Christian music, exhaling in peace because I have the opportunity to stop today and write. What a beautiful gift. I was called beautiful today and it surprised me. I wonder if he truly sees what I do. What difference does it make anyways? I am a new creation, that I can understand and feel and believe, but as my eyes look upon the image before me, in the mirror, I cannot wrap my head around myself being included in the Imago Dei. I simply cannot comprehend the identity of my soul, my face, being made in the image of God, obviously tainted by sin, but STILL. I cannot measure up to that identity. I simply can't ever. isn't that the point though? That CHRIST alone still sees me and thinks I am worthy of still loving, even enough to die for me?! When results fail, Christ is enough. When tests go poorly, Christ is enough. Maybe that's my problem. I try to create this beautiful poem, fighting the reality that it would fit much better in prose. OR that I am a sinner in need of grace and cannot understand nor rationalize the cross. OR that Christ's love terrifies me when I face it in the presence of my inadequacy because I will never be able to react sufficiently to it.

Poetry in Waiting

What beauty falls from the sky
when heaven cries
redemption comes
life from parched soil grows
slowly, with certain determination
is this growth up towards heaven
in hopes or reacting
to the beauty calling
it now shines before others
unaware of its beginnings
for it only grows now because of the beauty
calling us to look upward.

Can't I feel deeper of your grace and your truth?
Cannot the silence of my heart cry out to you?
This is not a checkpoint, I refuse to let him see it
to judge my hearts progress, oh that he would hear it
in conversations, in silent processing
that this relationship would be yours, God
Go and make disciples, let that never see a day
when that call doesn't appear upon my face
its all yours Lord, take what you want,
as dew appears and is gone, so it is with me
I long for that day again
when flowing from heart, i'd pen
the most beautiful, raw of lyrics
oh God that you would hear it
but I know that you are listening
and my heart is quickening
knowing you hear me
calling me child, accepted and loved
fully known and yet fully redeemed
forgiven, sacrificed for, redemption is calling
every second, though life drones on
there is a melody I can hear when I stop and breathe
Lord, cease the day when I stop listening!

Running Over Again

My feet hit the ground, eyes gazing around this work before me, begun at the beginning of time. The river reminds me of home, the water, the birds, the green trees, they all point not only to a home I have 2000 miles from this point, but beyond that, beyond to a home eternal, a hope that is everlasting. Man, do I love running. There is something about being away from buildings, cars, pollution that feels safe. Away from broken relationships, where it's just Jesus and me. It is safe but it is not permanent. My soul clings to the woods for it cannot hurt me like people can, I cannot damage the woods like I bring damage, pride, selfish desires to the relationships around me. Like a convent that promises safety, but cannot produce sanctification, so these woods have become for the here and now. Can't I just run here forever? My soul, and body at this point, as the run nears towards an end, are ready for the next thing. Solitude cannot sustain, Jesus alone can. I have this uncanny ability to place my hope in others. Whether that is to make me feel loved, worthy, accepted, you can meet me for two seconds and even in that moment will I seek your acceptance and approval.

My Own Hummingbird

"But maybe, just maybe, this hummingbird realized that we need the resurrection on cloudy days.

Maybe, just maybe, the hummingbird remembered that we’ve been told to die daily because once wasn’t enough to become a new creation.

Maybe, just maybe, the hummingbird knows that there are some pains that come in and out, but never quite leave."- Danielle Isbell 

Let it be like the rainbows across the sky.

mountains

listen, I want to blog, I want to pour out my soul through these fingers upon the keys to convey to a future version of myself the faithful, enduring love of Christ. To remind myself of how I fell crying upon the floor after having seen that car accident, to reassure myself that in those moments of weakness and deep compassion I am reminded in part of how Christ sees his people when, in the midst of chaos, we become too wounded to help ourselves and in desperation cry out to Him for help. Maybe mercy is not what I think it looks like. When I cried out in deep petition for my brothers in Christ for God to have mercy on them as they were loaded into the ambulance, many tears felt stinging in my eyes, imagining the depth of life-changing injuries that they probably sustained. To be rendered helpless almost to the point of immobility by another human being is terrifying, but what if, even if it ended up leading to paralysis, God's mercy would still remain. What if when I cry for God to have mercy upon my soul, it could result in my pain, and further discomfort?! dang. How blessed can this, could this, opportunity to be away from my family for longer than I'd like? What if in the hot tears, the bent knees God's mercy is unfolding itself in those coughed out breaths? Rejoice in the Lord, always. Now, even now, ESPECIALLY now, can I rejoice in the reality that I am drowning in the mercies of my Father. I cannot escape it and praise God from the depths of my soul. Man, if this could be an endless feeling, if I could simply pick up every footstep knowing that circumstance doesn't shift God's mercy further from me, I feel like I could live such a deeper life of gratitude, to be constantly aware of your mercies, Lord, is my prayer and petition to you. Thanksgiving must result because you hear me when I call, and you will respond according to your promises and perfect will. Therefore, I will rejoice in the opportunity to cry brokenhearted tears, to grip each moment with a peace, knowing God saved me, He is good, and His love endures forever. The mountain set before me, idolizing a place I am not yet in, assuming it will fix me, let it be washed away by the continual renewal of your mercy in brokenness and grace in peace.

Beauty in Forgiveness

Why to titles come? To define a pause, a thought, a moment in time when everything else seems to have the ability to be summed up in a single phrase. My thoughts and pauses are dramatic, reflecting the sermon I just heard from a man who has pointed me to Christ in radical ways. Thank you Jesus for this man. Thank you for your work in his life to prove to a people in desperate need of a cure that the only remedy is You. The only solution to an idol-wired heart is the grace and mercy, love and care of Jesus. Faith in you is hard, Jesus. Trusting in your perfect timing feels okay now, because I am also riding on the assurance of my peers. Trusting in myself and my ability to perform for these people cannot hold the weight of a tomorrow. No, it does not give the sustained hope that I need to breathe, but instead comes up short. every time. There is no doubt in my mind that idols continue to be formed within my heart but the ones

I am addressing PHil Eubank in this. I feel his tone, his emphasis drive this typing and it makes me nervous. is that okay with you, Father? Jesus, are these thoughts that are so clearly marked by Phil's words acceptable as my own, given to you? I cannot fathom the depths of your living sacrifice and I was not sacrificial today. I FEEL sinless but I am not. I FEEL like I was good enough to sit in bed tonight, after having REMEMBERED to pray on my knees and thank you for nothing deep or important, but simply that today was wonderful. Today was a day filled with relationships that are familiar and affirming, I witnessed you before me in Accounting when I felt alone and was immediately surrounded in that moment with peace. Is that okay? because I FEEL that it should be harder than that, and it probably will, but what is next? was today enough surrendering that I will continue to experience freedom, or will it bring another soul-flattening reminder that this is NOT all that there is. that there is not simply gifts on earth to give me happiness, but instead are meant to point to an all-magnificent God from whom ALL blessings flow. I just don't know, Father in Heaven. and yet here I am giving You titles that aren't congruous with my heart, but yes absolutely my heart recognizes YOU, CREATOR and RESTORER of all things, are the source of these gifts, but the poetic elegance I lack, I cannot recreate these songs which filled the hearts and minds of scholars, servants, kings, and businessmen thousands of years ago. 

Running Beyond

With each step I hear Truth, with each breath I exhale today and breath in the words I pray will tattoo themselves upon my heart, not blind, but OPEN my eyes to the need around me, to change my view to Christ alone and allow the outpouring of the Holy Spirit's obedience to infiltrate this false hope in my worth, my deeds, my identity. With each step I am reminded that insufficiency is beautiful and weakness is used.

Count your Blessings

Thank you Jesus for unhealthy breakfast, unhealthy lunch, car accidents, and pain,

uncertain circumstances that change the frame

of my heart, my perspective and view

of how deep and great mercy is from You

Tension: Let it BE

What has happened to us? How come the normalcy of this day is sitting in reality that I can control? How can I exist in this world, being awakened to life by Father Above All and still question whether I am breathing?

This tension, God Above All, even now grazes my heart, helpless against this false identity of not being single. IT IS FALSE. It cannot sustain nor provide for the hurt and anxiety, change and uncertainty, so why does it seem to easy to lean on? God have mercy upon me that I could see your unchanging ways amid all the exciting pace of life.

When the storms of life they come
and the road ahead gets steep
I cannot imagine lifting my hands in disbelief because I am nor worthy nor entitled to find such grace awaiting me there. This is hard!! I find this part of the week so difficult because I am disillusioned by grandeur of a false god and indifferent to the wonderous, amazing, incredible grandeur of my Father Above ALL:
"HE IS THE IMAGE OF THE INVISIBLE GOD, THE FIRSTBORN OF ALL CREATION. Whether thrones or DOMINIONS or rulers or authorities, all things were created THROUGH him and for Him." COLOSSIANS 1:15-16

BOLDED the oops that I have forgotten, but still it goes on. my hopes in pouring out this pain that instantaneous peace would result but God is good and His love endures forever. Not simply when He chooses to reveal himself, to remind my soul of How big He is ABOVE ALL THINGS. "Whether thrones or dominions or RULERS or authorities, all things were created through Him and for Him." Colossians 1:16

Life at the foot of the Cross

There were bushes underneath the cross at church yesterday :)

The ashes remain. There is no need for God to remove them for in their molecular structure is the ability to produce life from what was: the history of failure and struggle, the past beyond our grasp. The plants are green, the are small, but numerous as life springs forth, growing slowly but extending it's roots deeply into the soil, our souls remember the past but are slowly beginning to forgot. The blessing is in the ashes just as much as the life coming from it. Things must be burned for the soul to be fertile ground for life, mountains must be moved, weeds taken away, rocks thrown aside, thorns cut back, for a clearing to appear to allow life to begin again, harmful things aside that only Jesus Christ remains. 

When it all comes down

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT ALL COMES DOWN? when the walls, the idols, helpless from the beginning, can no longer sustain the weight of my thoughts and worship that it has held for 9 long months? When can I call the rubble the already, looking to the not yet so greatly resting upon the face of my Father and Savior, God and Christ? When can I stand as if none of this ever happened? Why can't I grasp the fre

Sand Man

"I can't see it" my soul cried. It looks uncertain, I can't fathom what you will make it to become and even with seconds that passed, beautifully something appeared, slowly at first, but coming into clarity, that moment when you realized that what looked at first like a heap of sand on a slide projector became something more. Quite uncertain remains my heart, I can only see that old, rugged cross before me, everything else is more uncertain than every before and it hurts deeply. I cannot understand what is even going on in my heart right now with this constant battle between my heart and my flesh, the Holy Spirit's strength and my strength that so badly wants to fight this battle with the little control it has. Lord, I cannot fight this battle. PERIOD. Lord, what seems unknown to me, what has little control in light of your Word, it is terrifying to my soul. I cannot attain peace, contentment, perfection, purpose, or Jesus without Your grace and mercy. That is enough. And yet however good of news this is, I cannot seem to grasp it longer than seconds without doubling over in pain and fear, uncertainty that DESPITE YOUR GREAT FAITHFULNESS IN EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY, for the present time things are different. Jesus, I need your thankful heart, your selflessly loving, servant mindset to transform how I deal with suffering. Thank you Lord for this period on which you alone are my rock in the midst of the crashing waves of insufficiency and fear. You are God and nothing on this earth compares to your love. Thank you Lord for bloodstained knees, and the opportunity to remain humbled through prayer and submission by your love and grace. In Jesus' name I have the strength to fast today beneath the weight you have taken from me and rested upon your shoulders. I need you today. I need you more today than ever before. I want your love to impart my soul with a vision to seek you in the midst of the pain, to love you in the midst of the screaming storm, and to serve you beyond all that I can muster in my heart. Oh how I need you. Light, glorious Light, I want so badly to go where you shine, break the dawn, crack the skies, make your way bright before me, in Your light I will find, all I need, all I need is You.

When the Time Comes

When the time comes
and all fears have run
their course
and love alone remains
wiped away every stain
upon the cross
the course of history
forever changed
in the light of Jesus' name
when God above
returns in love
to make all things new
yes, even sinners too
what can complete
a life but the One
who set His feet
on earth to come
as one of us
he died for us
he was slain for us
and now he returns for us
OH let the trumpets resound
coming from the clouds
It is the New Jerusalem
The curtain of His return
pulled back forevermore
To exist without pain
OH Lord let that remain
a thought to heal this weary soul
who feels as though there is no more
hope or goodness in this today,
despite the reality that This is Your Day
You have made it, oh Lord,
and I will rejoice in it! (Psalm 118)

ten years

day goes on, forward as they say
but my wish today is to stay
away from the hurt, the feeling of pain
the real sorrow that though dormant, remains
not in prose, perfect poetic words
can you return, an undone curse
i cannot find a picture
of you and i we're together again
in mind not spirit
Lord in your name clear it
desiring none but you
for in these thoughts your Word it is true
for neighbors and friends
their love may end
but you alone remain
10 years have passed
not a blast
but in time your glory appeared
cracked at first but now bursting
into this heart now affording
to burst  on neighbors, friends so true
Thank you Lord for those ten years.

Welcome to this place

a place for my thoughts to expand into the abyss of this gray room, a chance, an opportunity to LEARN to trust you, thank you Jesus for being able to LEARN! you are such a patient and caring teacher, Father, you are trustworthy, faithful true to your worthiness and holiness which permits me nothing and yet loving me regardless of this insufficiency fills me and declared me worthy, not because of anything I have done, are doing, or will ever do but because of what your Son did. On the cross he bore my sins, bore my shame, and took upon my desire to be completely independent from anything of you and instead held my hand and showed me that learning to trust in you alone is the solution to the emptiness that gripped my soul, the rollercoaster of emotions that guided me throughout middle school. Jesus you are faithful to thousands of generations for those who sit at your table, eating of your body and drinking of your blood are not worthy to sit upon the stools, are unworthy to look up at the Father and call Him abba, Father. Let my essays bring your name glory Father, let them scream your name in loving passion for you have screamed mine since the beginning of time. Let me witness to your people through it and in doing so learn more of Hell, eternity, and the reality of spiritual warfare present in society today.

He Cares.

words cannot find its way onto these pages, from hearrt to hand they flow liek rushed tears tripping over my cheeks to get to my tear-stained chin, the collection of tears remain, they sting and bear remembrance to those released in bursts of shouting ten years ago. nothing can explain the will of God, why is not relevant because i know how and i know who. I live in the past especially in days that bring up reminders of a past that is extrememly painful, but over time healing has been behind me, an unseen foe at first guiding memories from vivid to past, no longer remains the scars of yesterday for i have every appearance of a fallen soldier with wounds over wounds, sin yesterday remains today but alongside it is this wonderful, beautiful thing called grace. No longer to sadness does my weary heart turn, but to gladness, tears suddently hit but in light of God's mercy and grace that brought me here at this point in time. without scars there is not a single reminder of the past our souls have been healed from and in our darkness moments, in our direst weakness He cares.

Wondrous Grace

Wonderful grace flowing through the hands of God onto the ground on which we kneel. This grace is uncommon and gorgeous in light of very feeble flickers towards this world. Only you can i see from here in the midst of this existing place.

Sing Like Never Before

Why are you good beyond any doubt? Why can I sing to you in my head, while my heart cries out in longing to be anointed by an idol that long before hurt me? This singing, this soreness of fingers feels incredible because slowly, but surely, I am feeling process in guitar. My life feels like an entirely different story. I feel as though nothing is ahead of me, relationship-wise. I have so many incredible friendships that do not live in that building on that hill. Around myself all I can see is that thing which I cannot have at the moment. I must open my eyes to the goodness around me and stop playing with these mud pies! Mars Hill is an incredible church and it is clear that I am to belong there. period. not "for the time being", because my heart alone absolutely cannot handle entering into that building again. Believe me, I tried, so hard my heart fought to be free of all the anxiety that still haunts me but it flooded back all the same. Dang it! I cried out in anger, in longing, to return to that place I was so sure I belonged. But it always seems to turn to Christ, by His incredible grace, and it was clear in those moments where I was going! Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness and goodness in leading me so clearly today, especially when I reacted like a child, kicking and screaming. Thank you.

Why Can;t I find u

Spirit lead me into deeper waters, depths in which my soul has no ownership of her territory. Let my dearest memories draw me deeper into grace, that in spite of who I am who I was and who I will be, you won't fail me. Insufficiency clings to me like this palness of skin, like the roots that are no longer blonde, is this capitalizing on a deep yearning in my heart to bring out the beaty of worse feeling that draws my fingers to go beyond my feelings to compose a sonnet of pure and raw emotion.