Fearless because He goes before me.

Showering this morning was met with a wave of entangled anxiety over the conversation I had had with my mom earlier the previous night. I love running with Alyssa and have gained so much from the time we spend together and yet this morning I could not shake this reality that I had to be cut off from something I have held on to for quite a while. As I was combing my hands through my hair I came across this gigantic knot. Like it was probably the size of a quarter, in my hair. gross. As I began to remove the individual strands it became more painful and more messy to remove this knot from my head. I imagined having scissors to simply cut it out, but then was concerned that it would leave this gigantic patch of hair that was significantly shorter than the rest of my hair. Jesus was patient with my persistence but I did eventually have to rip out a good chunk of hair to finally be free from this knot. With this whole guy thing it is clear that I need to remove him entirely from my life. This is not easy, nor is it comfortable. I hate the notion that I have no idea the future before me- where will I go after college now? What do I… but even as my fingers find the keys to tell you the doubts in my head, my heart is quick to gently slow them down, with a reminder that I serve a God who is before all things and in Him all things hold together. Who first loved me and has never stopped, every breathe I intake is a gift of God and therefore I have no reason to fear. How quickly is His grace that rushed and overwhelmed my soul in that moment, Thank you Father! How quickly can I talk as if I can take on the world with the ignorance of my insufficiency that I cannot do anything without Christ. My future is uncertain, but I want that knot out of my life so I can serve you, Jesus, without any hindrances. Does this mean that I walk away from a church that has considerably brought your message of love and redemption to my soul? Inevitably I pause, waiting for the Spirit's suggestion to this pertinent question. Yes? my heart pulls back. No. I feel more confidence this time but am wary that my idea of my Christmas break is still going to change. Where I invest and spend my time, by Your grace, will be done in Your name. That peace, knowing that You are before me- that is all I need to find confidence in this moment and the next.

Magnificent God

Coming to terms with the reality of the greatness of God is impossible. The glimpses are few and far between where I can stand in utter brokenness from something simply out of my control and be in awe of God's beauty. There is something so hard about supporting a friend who has been asked to let go of his own father. Stepping into the light of who you are, Jesus, that in the midst of your magnificence we can find comfort in death and joy in the hope that we serve an eternal God, he has reconciled us from the place of death into life in Him.

Thank You

Hey! so I was just thinking about how much you mean to me and I figured now would be a good time to just get it out there. Thank you for being the hands and feet of Christ to me when I was hurting. idk being with Jake today just has brought back a lot of the feelings of losing my dad and you were so there for me. like all the time. I know that it was Christ through you and i honestly can say that it helped  me from a place of utter darkness to the bright light of Christ who loves without bounds.
man oh man do i need you Jesus. There is no one like you, who can bind up this broken, shattered heart and make it something beautiful. "Tomorrow's freedom is today's surrender, we look to you as our hearts remember, You are the only God." Jesus thank you for pulling me from the grave when I was dead, you gave life, when I was far gone, you chased after me and from the first beat, when our hearts came together as one, my life has changed. It hasn't been the reason for suffering, sin alone can drive a heart into caverns of darkness, and yet Jesus you were never far.

Free to Lead in Christ, for Christ

I guess I just wanted to process today's sermon, to get out in the open these thoughts in my head, that I know my heart has heard and is wanting more explanations. Why would a God who redeemed such a fallen, broken, adulterous people, want to redeem? What part of redemption does God enjoy because he freaking put his heart on the line, His own, begotten Son, who he poured His wrath upon so that he could call to life a people who were enjoying the deadness of their sin, the consequences, and effects of the disgusting things of this world.
I am not qualified to lead anyone. Not youth, not freshmen, not my peers, obviously. Even when I try to do things for the glory of Christ, I feel like I am coming up short. Especially today. What foolish thought would enter my head, that I would entertain- that declared me saved by my own leadership ability. I can so quickly engulf myself in the lives of these people that I love so dearly, so readily do I lose sight of the object of my leadership: Jesus Christ.

True Faith

I was able these past two days to watch two documentaries on 4 college guys traveling the country (in one) and Europe in the other. These guys set out to engage culture's perspective on Jesus and the afterlife. They probably had to edit over 400 interviews each of people's responses to these questions: Who was Jesus? and What happens when you die? These are both compelling questions and most people were able to answer these questions, the ideas were not foreign concepts. After watching the first film where they set out to ask Europeans what their view of identity, sex/relationships, and consumerism were, I felt very discouraged in my own faith. Who am I to have been given the Gospel of Jesus Christ (and the scripturally, grace-centered view as there were many who claimed to be Christians but still thought they had to do enough "good" to get into heaven). This misconception is a plague in the world today and yet here I am on my soap box thinking that I have found the problem of the world (you're welcome). I don't know much about anything but by the grace of Jesus Christ I know that Jesus came down, lived life as a God-man, and died on the cross, bearing God's wrath for all my sin, and then rose again (HECK YEAH!!!!!). But back to this idea of works-based salvation. What struck me the most was that in the ENTIRE two documentaries the ONLY people who understood that we are broken, fallen, in total need of God's grace and are otherwise incapable of going to heaven were two homeless guys in Georgia. The Bible says in 1 Timothy 6:10 "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs." Grated it is "all kinds of evil" so to get rid of money is not the only way to get rid of evil but I think Timothy wasn't kidding around! There is far more evil associated with wealth than anyone would be willing to admit and I KNOW that I must sound so prideful, judging you and your wealth but maybe Timothy was on to something. What if a life of "barely getting by", a life that really does consist of trusting God to provide, maybe thats more important than this idea today of financial stability. And yet here I am, sitting in my queen bed, on my MacBook Pro, (I feel like I could go on and on about the opportunities my parent's wealth has provided for me) I mean, I get to go to college for Pete's sake!! and I want that for my children, but to fear the unknown and to trust God is to live like Christ in the purest and most honest way. I am walled in my privilege and have no need to trust my Savior for the little things, which can often make some of the medium (and even the super big things) really difficult to see Jesus in the chaos. I do my devotional, I spend time in the Word, only to allow it to saturate, without sharing this Good News that Jesus frees us from legalism, from works-based salvation. Hallelujah! Christ is Risen! He has conquered death and sin and in Him we are co-heirs, conquerers of death! What an undeserved gift of life that we are called to react to!! Thank you Jesus for allowing me to get this out. Please let me proclaim your name despite myself. In your Holy name, amen.  

Week One

So technically this is week three because I found out about my ACL tear a week ago and tore it a week before that, but I want to blog this experience because I really want to make this time around more about Jesus and less about myself getting sympathy.
It's so great to be home, but it has been incredible to witness the Holy Spirit reminding me that wherever He is, that is where my home is. It has nothing to do with the people that surround me or the beautiful mountains that unfold as I continue into Redmond. It solely rests in Jesus and where He wants me. Being here has made me realize more and more how much excess that I have that I choose to not give away. I admit its hard not to point fingers at all the excess everyone else has, but I have too much. Thank you Lord for these blessings you have given me, how quickly am I to take hold of them as if they are my own, why Lord, my ability to walk, talk, and be loved by an amazing family, is nothing I have earned, but it is a gift from You that is at your disposal to take away. Are you leading me away from my family, I don't know Lord, I cannot peer into your mind for Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts, and that was freaking Isaiah who said that. Who am I to say that, my thoughts can't even comprehend your thought's thoughts. That is how silly I am, and yet you live inside me and use me, and call me "child". Thank you Jesus, for sacrificing yourself for me that I may be called a Child of God!! In this whole process, as I lose muscle, gain weight, get surgery, and fall apart along the way, please extend your grace and forgiveness that I may use this journey for your glory. Your mercy never ceases and you already know how much I am going to mess up and fail you and yet you still chose me from the beginning of time, to love me as your daughter. How cherished am I in your eyes, my father?!? How unworthy am I of your affection and how worthy are you of my devotion! Never cease to amaze me, Holy Spirit, never cease to abound your love and guidance, for your call and direction is so great because there is so much freedom in You Jesus!! Like water to my soul, my heart pants for your love to drown my pain in your love. Nothing dramatic right now, worship music playing in the background, I want to be pursued by this world but You, Jesus, have pursued my heart with an everlasting love that will not be found on earth. I am sorry I am looking to what was for fulfillment when it was never good enough to satisfy my soul. EVER. how quickly am I to revert to my old longings when I see what could have been so happily ever after. I want this but more than that, I want YOU Jesus to be enough, before I go on this journey with someone else.

The Cord

The cord just lay there. I couldn't reach if from my bed as I awkwardly scooted my body closer. "If I could only get a little closer, Then I could reach it", I thought. With my arm outstretched, the only way for that cord to get into my hand was if it came to me. From that point on, I couldn't have attainted it. I did eventually get a hold of it, as it is why I am able to type this, being my e-thernet cord and all. However, how often does my heart inch closer and closer to God thinking, "If I could only get a little closer, then I could reach Him", but Jesus came to me when I was dead in my sins. In this case, He allowed the fibers of my being to reach out to Him as we joined together, as I now live in a new state of mind, living not for myself, for this world, and for internal happiness, but instead I live in light of the eternal, the Was, and Is, and is Yet To Come. Thank You Jesus for overcoming death that I can live eternally free from these things that once bound me, that no longer reign! What a glorious day that I can celebrate with my Lord Jesus Christ, who has set the captives free!!

Common Grounds

Pardon the clique but sitting here, so unsettled about my future, has brought on the urge to blog once again. haha would be weird for someone else to be reading my heart because this is not public or anything :) my schedule is unsettled, and honestly i have nothing else to stress about, so I am holding onto that to keep me on my toes. Father God, Holy Spirit, and Christ Jesus my Savior, please hold this heart of mine and remind me of your perfect peace that surpasses all the unsettled future that waits for me outside this coffee shop. I want to go to Alaska. I want to serve your people and proclaim your name and I was so excited this afternoon! But I talked to mom and she said i should get a job, be with family. I was walking back from class the other day when I was reminded of that time in 7th grade I thought my future was in professional tennis. I had a note written for the next day to lay on my pillow: "Off to chase my dreams". The plan I had in mind was to go to the tennis court in my neighborhood and practice until I couldn't practice anymore. hahahaha oh and the time I was asked to model and thought my future was in modeling. oh how fickle my perception of the future is :) so Lord with a smile on my face, as I laugh to myself, I submit to your will. Your will is soverign and you know what my summer is going to look like. Holy Spirit, I pray for enough direction to be obedient and do the will of the Father, but not enough that I feel like I know the path ahead. This life has been incredbile because of the surpises you have set before me. I know there is so much ahead and it scares me because I am in no way prepared for what is before me.

Belong

"Curse the day that I began to hope there'd be a place where I belong."- Chris Rice
I think this will be good for me, allowing myself to process the day through spending time with the Holy Spirit and my laptop. Thank you, Spirit, for putting on my heart a need to belong. That word stuck to my thoughts all day today and I can see why. I have put so much energy into trying to find the right club or group to belong in. S3, Club Volleyball, Crew, Tri-Delt, Phi Lamb, Youth Group, Urban Missions, you name it, I tried it. I don't know... I failed a quiz today in Heritage and I felt like a sore thumb around campus. I have no letters to boast, and yet what an incredible opportunity to boast in the One who called me Beloved. Quiet my heart, oh Lord, of this earthly desire to belong here at Baylor, when you created me to belong to You and You alone. Fighting this has brought me up empty and I plead for you to remove this burden or allow it to glorify you in every way possible so that it becomes somewhat bearable, as You, Jesus, take it on my behalf. How I love the Spirit's work in this time, creating thoughts I never knew there. Thank you for today, regardless of how I was feeling, You, Lord, remained. Whether this Chamber thing works out, may whatever I do be for Your glory, Lord. In Christ's perfect and holy name, amen.

Sarah called back. If i meet with her will i lose this conviction that i have stood with in the shower but then fell again talking to my mother. I do overthink things but Lord, when it is this strong conviction you have placed on my heart to root out idolatry, then may this emotional rollercoaster continue as you bring change in my heart. For so long I have allowed so mnay things to take the place of Jesus on the throne of my heart. Only God knows how many times I have broken his heart like Gomer did to Hosea. How often do I look the other way when God is calling me to missions and yet right then and there I make it about myself instead of JESUS. others are important, yet JESUS must before I start loving others. Must what? He must rule over my actions. Like letting tridelt go so a) honestly so I can feel God's peace that has left my heart since walking into the tri-delt bid room b) so I may allow his love and mercy to reign once again in my heart. I feel so clueless right now. How could I have missed God's call for me to take a step back and realize just how far i'd let myself fall. I tried being positive, directing girls towards God, but what about my heart. I was pretending that so long as I offered to pray to strangers I would then be granted peace and happiness.
Why doesn't Devon reply or call me? my hands are dry, my soul is spent, my face is raw from wiping the tears with my sleeve. this is all my fault. Why do i just let myself go like this without fighting to find God in this mess and run towards him? i feel unstable and know i will begin to lose my experience with the God I so love and cherish if I wear that bid day shirt.
Would it really be best to meet with Sarah? I know now without anyone talking to me, that I must listen to the Voice of Truth,
now begins the consequences of my disobedience. I know this is the right thing, i feel at peace and don't feel like i want to go back home or just slip into my bed and never leave.