Sand Man

"I can't see it" my soul cried. It looks uncertain, I can't fathom what you will make it to become and even with seconds that passed, beautifully something appeared, slowly at first, but coming into clarity, that moment when you realized that what looked at first like a heap of sand on a slide projector became something more. Quite uncertain remains my heart, I can only see that old, rugged cross before me, everything else is more uncertain than every before and it hurts deeply. I cannot understand what is even going on in my heart right now with this constant battle between my heart and my flesh, the Holy Spirit's strength and my strength that so badly wants to fight this battle with the little control it has. Lord, I cannot fight this battle. PERIOD. Lord, what seems unknown to me, what has little control in light of your Word, it is terrifying to my soul. I cannot attain peace, contentment, perfection, purpose, or Jesus without Your grace and mercy. That is enough. And yet however good of news this is, I cannot seem to grasp it longer than seconds without doubling over in pain and fear, uncertainty that DESPITE YOUR GREAT FAITHFULNESS IN EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY, for the present time things are different. Jesus, I need your thankful heart, your selflessly loving, servant mindset to transform how I deal with suffering. Thank you Lord for this period on which you alone are my rock in the midst of the crashing waves of insufficiency and fear. You are God and nothing on this earth compares to your love. Thank you Lord for bloodstained knees, and the opportunity to remain humbled through prayer and submission by your love and grace. In Jesus' name I have the strength to fast today beneath the weight you have taken from me and rested upon your shoulders. I need you today. I need you more today than ever before. I want your love to impart my soul with a vision to seek you in the midst of the pain, to love you in the midst of the screaming storm, and to serve you beyond all that I can muster in my heart. Oh how I need you. Light, glorious Light, I want so badly to go where you shine, break the dawn, crack the skies, make your way bright before me, in Your light I will find, all I need, all I need is You.