Wait for it

Breathe, I continue exhaling, expelling the remnants of residue from the air within my lungs. Control, that's what I want. I want to be able to control whether he texts me back or not. I want to control the sunset to allow me a few more hours of good days and a few less during the bad days. Why can't I understand the might, the power I was meant to ascribe to our God?! Why can't I see the vastness and depth of our Deliverer who is before every moment?! There is so much necessity in His righteous and  forgiving arms that I miss out on because I am beside myself chasing that "sweeter frame" that I cannot seem to wrap enough control around, elusive and yet ever present. Half of me wants to push it away entirely without any blinking. To alter the circumstances in order to protect myself. The alternative is to rush into the moment with everything, hoping that the good moments will tie me over until they come again. This is foolish and I know it. I fear it. Terribly so because I have been there many times and have personally dealt with the repercussions and they have been awful, horrible. I have felt so broken by the misplaced hope of an idol that teeters still, in the moment I am well aware it is unable to be the firm foundation Christ is, however, I am scared to entirely let it go. 9/28
sLORD PLEASE open my hands, open my heart, open my mind to not see the phone in my peripheral and hope for it to be illuminated with a longer name than most. My legs become numb and required to be adjusted because I simply want to remain in the moment, in undeniable confession. Here, this blog, is safety, free in its ability to drown out the doubts. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I am so ashamed to wait for him like this. I am so sorry Jesus that he still holds my hope but I am scared for how long the healing will take, SIT IN IT. God I was unable to fight sin today without your grace, and I need your grace to lift up this phone problem, this inability to understand the repercussions of a misplaced hope until it is too late. PLEASE Lord! In your perfect timing allow my heart to rest in your promises.