Shame

So is this becoming the theme that my hands have subconsciously yearned to type? A word and then all of the emotions, thoughts, and words that pour from me as a result. I have come to the conclusion that no one reads this blog and yet by saying this I am imagining a cute, male reader finding my words so compelling he must sweep me off my feet at once. Do I want this? yes. but as I continue to walk (by God's grace) forward in my faith I am finding that I no longer want the idea of this but a man of God who respects me and loves me as Christ loves the church. Shame. haha man I love stream of consciousness writing. I feel shame because I can no longer look at a kiss and see it as innocent. Shame because my first real kiss will not in fact be with my future husband. Call it naive and I agree with you but  that girl who was untainted by alcohol and physical intimacy wasn't ever tempted by those things. Gosh DANG IT. I am so full of crap. UNTAINTED?!?! am I SERIOUSLY saying that before I had a beer I was untainted. Wow. See that is the problem with sin, especially in high school. I had this ranking system in my head. Speeding would be at the bottom along with fake compliments and gossip, while drugsexalcohol were the tri-fecta of dirty things that I (bless my heart) was above.
Lord,
I am messed up. I am not more messed up now that i've made out with someone and I am not less messed up because I asked my neighbors to church this afternoon. Faith is completed by works but is not founded in works (James 2). My faith is rooted in your grace and mercy, not by what my friend's think of my actions. Father, I ask forgiveness of what happened last night. Not because of the act of making out but because of where my heart was. AMEN