Sarah called back. If i meet with her will i lose this conviction that i have stood with in the shower but then fell again talking to my mother. I do overthink things but Lord, when it is this strong conviction you have placed on my heart to root out idolatry, then may this emotional rollercoaster continue as you bring change in my heart. For so long I have allowed so mnay things to take the place of Jesus on the throne of my heart. Only God knows how many times I have broken his heart like Gomer did to Hosea. How often do I look the other way when God is calling me to missions and yet right then and there I make it about myself instead of JESUS. others are important, yet JESUS must before I start loving others. Must what? He must rule over my actions. Like letting tridelt go so a) honestly so I can feel God's peace that has left my heart since walking into the tri-delt bid room b) so I may allow his love and mercy to reign once again in my heart. I feel so clueless right now. How could I have missed God's call for me to take a step back and realize just how far i'd let myself fall. I tried being positive, directing girls towards God, but what about my heart. I was pretending that so long as I offered to pray to strangers I would then be granted peace and happiness.
Why doesn't Devon reply or call me? my hands are dry, my soul is spent, my face is raw from wiping the tears with my sleeve. this is all my fault. Why do i just let myself go like this without fighting to find God in this mess and run towards him? i feel unstable and know i will begin to lose my experience with the God I so love and cherish if I wear that bid day shirt.
Would it really be best to meet with Sarah? I know now without anyone talking to me, that I must listen to the Voice of Truth,
now begins the consequences of my disobedience. I know this is the right thing, i feel at peace and don't feel like i want to go back home or just slip into my bed and never leave.