Fearless because He goes before me.

Showering this morning was met with a wave of entangled anxiety over the conversation I had had with my mom earlier the previous night. I love running with Alyssa and have gained so much from the time we spend together and yet this morning I could not shake this reality that I had to be cut off from something I have held on to for quite a while. As I was combing my hands through my hair I came across this gigantic knot. Like it was probably the size of a quarter, in my hair. gross. As I began to remove the individual strands it became more painful and more messy to remove this knot from my head. I imagined having scissors to simply cut it out, but then was concerned that it would leave this gigantic patch of hair that was significantly shorter than the rest of my hair. Jesus was patient with my persistence but I did eventually have to rip out a good chunk of hair to finally be free from this knot. With this whole guy thing it is clear that I need to remove him entirely from my life. This is not easy, nor is it comfortable. I hate the notion that I have no idea the future before me- where will I go after college now? What do I… but even as my fingers find the keys to tell you the doubts in my head, my heart is quick to gently slow them down, with a reminder that I serve a God who is before all things and in Him all things hold together. Who first loved me and has never stopped, every breathe I intake is a gift of God and therefore I have no reason to fear. How quickly is His grace that rushed and overwhelmed my soul in that moment, Thank you Father! How quickly can I talk as if I can take on the world with the ignorance of my insufficiency that I cannot do anything without Christ. My future is uncertain, but I want that knot out of my life so I can serve you, Jesus, without any hindrances. Does this mean that I walk away from a church that has considerably brought your message of love and redemption to my soul? Inevitably I pause, waiting for the Spirit's suggestion to this pertinent question. Yes? my heart pulls back. No. I feel more confidence this time but am wary that my idea of my Christmas break is still going to change. Where I invest and spend my time, by Your grace, will be done in Your name. That peace, knowing that You are before me- that is all I need to find confidence in this moment and the next.