Pumping Water

I chose to ask the question that I knew better to ask. What do you think about her? If I paused, I could have guessed but my longings got the best of me and I feel so alone. The world is under God's control. I cannot know what he is doing nor can I fathom what he thinks when he sees the current state of things. But I feel void of hope and solace. I allow my feelings to override my thoughts but I try so hard to change that.

BIG BREATH. Another big breath. I know what Michael would think if he knew what I did. This is my fault and I need to calm myself down and surrender the fear that I lost intimacy and connection with her until I talk with her in a few months.

Thank goodness God's mercy and grace goes further than my own mistakes, my pride and selfishness. I don't want to push on politics or religion but I want to engage because maybe my words would make a difference. Maybe my passion would translate to powerful rhetoric because that's what successful people can do. If I were truly successful, valuable, and meaningful, I could convince them that there is another way to approach God and the environment. But it's not up to me. It's not my life that will make a difference if I'm not walking in obedience. Success is not demanded of me. There is nowhere in the Bible that calls me to be the most successful daughter, wife, sister, and friend that ever lived. I want to have courage by speaking up about things that are important to me but I want to do so because it's loving and helpful, not because it will make me feel successful and proud.