Beauty in Forgiveness

Why to titles come? To define a pause, a thought, a moment in time when everything else seems to have the ability to be summed up in a single phrase. My thoughts and pauses are dramatic, reflecting the sermon I just heard from a man who has pointed me to Christ in radical ways. Thank you Jesus for this man. Thank you for your work in his life to prove to a people in desperate need of a cure that the only remedy is You. The only solution to an idol-wired heart is the grace and mercy, love and care of Jesus. Faith in you is hard, Jesus. Trusting in your perfect timing feels okay now, because I am also riding on the assurance of my peers. Trusting in myself and my ability to perform for these people cannot hold the weight of a tomorrow. No, it does not give the sustained hope that I need to breathe, but instead comes up short. every time. There is no doubt in my mind that idols continue to be formed within my heart but the ones

I am addressing PHil Eubank in this. I feel his tone, his emphasis drive this typing and it makes me nervous. is that okay with you, Father? Jesus, are these thoughts that are so clearly marked by Phil's words acceptable as my own, given to you? I cannot fathom the depths of your living sacrifice and I was not sacrificial today. I FEEL sinless but I am not. I FEEL like I was good enough to sit in bed tonight, after having REMEMBERED to pray on my knees and thank you for nothing deep or important, but simply that today was wonderful. Today was a day filled with relationships that are familiar and affirming, I witnessed you before me in Accounting when I felt alone and was immediately surrounded in that moment with peace. Is that okay? because I FEEL that it should be harder than that, and it probably will, but what is next? was today enough surrendering that I will continue to experience freedom, or will it bring another soul-flattening reminder that this is NOT all that there is. that there is not simply gifts on earth to give me happiness, but instead are meant to point to an all-magnificent God from whom ALL blessings flow. I just don't know, Father in Heaven. and yet here I am giving You titles that aren't congruous with my heart, but yes absolutely my heart recognizes YOU, CREATOR and RESTORER of all things, are the source of these gifts, but the poetic elegance I lack, I cannot recreate these songs which filled the hearts and minds of scholars, servants, kings, and businessmen thousands of years ago.